I don’t wanna feel better. I wanna be better.– Cathy Jamison, The Big C
I’ll be dressed as a nun… or a cat. I haven’t decided yet.– Claire Meade
Are you people celebrating a birthday? Birthdays are the gateway to secret...– Wilhelmina Slater
Brad Wollack: How many boyfriends of yours have died? Three.
Sarah Colonna: One of them did get run over by a bulldozer.
[They’re] to stop drunk driving or to let people know your cat’s...– Fortune Feimster on telephone poles
cosmo tip #304
expertcosmotips: does he like breaking bad? start smoking meth
pattyboynz: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Queen.
Echo/Margaret: You lost your mother. It’s only natural you’d be so elmo.
Echo/Margaret: That’s not a word, sweetie.
putting the phone down
Psychic: So sorry, if you ever have children don't give them your number.
There is nothing that one can experience on a drug that is not, at some level,...– Sam Harris
Carolyn: Ah, whose car is that out front?
Lester: Mine. 1970 Pontiac Firebird. The car I always wanted and now I have it. I rule!
‘Lose it? I didn’t lose it. It’s not like, “Whoops, where’d my...– Lester, American Beauty
Bennett: You used the company jet to abduct the programmer of a rival house
Adelle: I'm certain I'll be kicking myself come holiday bonus time.
heroesthrowingstones: holdmyhandbeforeidrown: vulcanhearing: l-amourparfait: dolce-glamour: itscandidlycara: panasonicyouth: bulletbutt: digitallyimpaired: pandacows: the pizza guy’s confusion makes this video so brilliant oh my god oh my god slowly making my dream of breaking out into a musical number come true bless this bless everyone involved On the bucket list...
andrewbreitel: I can barely keep up with myself let alone the Kardashians
on marriage equality
Natasha Leggero: If you say you are against this in 10 years time you're going to look like the people who didn't want black people to use their drinking fountains. You're going to look so stupid.
I just assumed when I got my palm read at the county fair it was by a woman...– Chelsea Handler